First things first, thank you for your patience! I’ve opened this blog entry so I wouldn’t forget to dwell on the subject later. But my boss had an emergency, leaving me manager in attendance during the month of June; I’ve been doing quite a lot of repairs at my house to accomodate my friend (who’s visiting for a couple of weeks); and July is my new vacations month. So here we go…
As long as I can remember, I have always been attracted to misogynists. Of course, back then, I had no idea this word ever existed, let alone the concept itself. But I remember clearly watching Sir Roger Moore/James Bond twist the arm of Maud Adams/Andrea Anders several times (my grandfather loved this movie, which he would watch every other weekend) and think nothing of it. By the age of seven, I had already internalized the idea women should be expected to endure any ill treatment at the hands of men. And those who endure the longer, would be deemed “special”.
(The Man with the Golden Gun, 1974)
Now I’m almost 40, which means I’ve been on the dating market for 25 years straight. From my first boyfriend aged 15, to my last “You should date my friend! He is soooooo nice” prospect, all men I have dated so far has had a strong trait of either implicit or explicit hatred towards women. This contempt manifested in subtle actitudes, such as mansplaining, placing themselves as intellectually above me (based on…nothing at all?) and condescending remarks, as well as in open statements referring to members of their own families. I know it’s a worn out cliché, but watch out for men with Love-Hate relationships with their mothers and unresolved Œdipus’ complex.
You must be wondering “how could you date such men and still call yourself a fourth wave feminist?”. Remember the first paragraph of this post: I thought those who endured the longer would be branded as the “special ones”. And, in my reality-twisted mind, I had to endure all sorts of open insults to my superior intellect, comparison to exes, passive aggressiveness, whining, financial leeching, etc. in order to be considered a woman of substance.
You also must be asking yourself why I kept repeating the same pattern for two decades and a half after I realized this. And the obvious answer is because I was not ready to let go of the idea I could reform a women-hater to prove myself, and the rest of the world, worthy. I had unconsciously placed my sense of self worth in others’ approval and this faux pas nearly destroyed me.
It is with great pride that I now announce I am free of the never-ending chaos of the role of care giver, provider and ego masseuse of misogynists. Even though I am already dating again, and fully commited to this relationship, my sense of self worth is finally placed where it belongs.
fantasticomundodecarol 