Hello, dearies? How have you been?
Last post was dedicated to the points in which covert narcissits are fairly similar to regular ones. Today, let’s expose a few points that separate cov from reg narcs.
Before I start, let me reassurate you of the main consequences of being in a relationship with one, before you get into Stockhholm syndrome and decide to run a kindergarden of helpless, poor baby narcs (do that at your risk): they are tricky, deceitful, cunning, manipulative and feed on your strenght without offering you any reciprocity. Most of the time, narcs are not even able to realise how abusive their behavious is, because according to their eyes, a partner is not a human being with feelings and ideas, only a supply whose only purpose is to focus on them, stroking their egos and satisfying their own needs.
Now let’s make a list of the main traits of a cov narc:
- They are needy – to the point they need to victimise themselves in all sorts of situation to get more attention and sympathy. My pet narc rewrote his (very ordinary, according to his own best friend) childhood in order to present himself as a damaged, unloved, cast away child. A cov narc is always prone to present himself as a martyr even though all people around will tell you he has always had comfort and safety.
- They are childish – as I mentined previously, the emotional age of a narc is around 4 or 5 years old. While reg narcs learn to masquerade this age to present themselves as strong adults worthy of admiration, cov narcs rely on being childish as an implicit way to force partners to refrain from dealing with them as adults. My pet narc would paint me a picture that looked like the Art work of a 5 years old child, literally (sorry I cannot expose it here, as it would be an official outing of his identity) and stare at me with the same expectation a small child would return from school with a piece of paper roughly coloured during drawing class. He would skip meals to have fries instead and always ask me if I could buy him cookies and if we could have a dog. Besides, he was always implying small habits his mom and grandma would have that I should copy, such as “My mom warms the milk so I can have my cereal more healthy” “My grandma does a different semolina every time so I always have a tasty one to try”. If you’re into doubt, just check their rooms – as they have the hygiene habits of a child whose parents left town, it shouldn’t be hard to picture the state of affairs of their dwellings.
- They are fragile – to the point not answering a phone call can bring them into a state of life crisis. They will overreact to any small event that detours from their self written script of a fake life. If you demand from them any attititude they haven’t been rehearsing, expect the biggest drama you have ever been (un)lucky enough to take part.
- They are self indulgent – I have come to the conclusion narcs are not adults, they are children with incomes. They will not refrain from anything their hearts desire, such as unhealthy food, expensive trips, oversleeping, procastination. Few people notice how procastination is, itself, a strong trait of abuse, as it refrains you from trusting your partner enough to do a fair share of tasks, so before you know you are being proactive and taking lead of all responsability while your worst half is very accomodated to his lazy routine. A relationship divided against itself cannot stand.
- They are often physically unattractive – there may be exceptions, however, they usually lack either the discipline or the interest to look good. Sorry if I may open forcefully a few innocent eyes here, but if you know a person older than 19 who looks good, this is not random, this person is either taking a good care of him/herself or spending a lot of money (maybe even both). Eating well, doing exercises, avoiding drugs, having a regular laundry routine, caring for a good hygiene, etc., it all contributes to a pleasant appearance. As cov narcs are mostly self indulgent and tend to avoid responsabilities of any kind, odds are they are not doing their laundries often enough in order to have fresh clothes every working day or washing their faces correctly before going to bed, not to mention their filthy environments, prone to host billions of bacteries and fungus.
- They are whiny – try to hold the cov narcs responsible to his actions, you will be forced to endure all sorts of tearful speeches to explain how they got to be so incompetent in whatever adult behaviour you are expecting them to present. They have been bullied at school and could not study properly, their parents divorced so they haven’t learnt how to be in a couple, they pushed their own limits too hard growing up and now only want to be lazy, whatever works.
- They bring you down, so they feel less bad about themselves – narcs frame themselves as very delicate (and the truth is they are deeply deeply insecure) so being in a relationship with a strong, responsible and adult person scares the hell out of them. In order to try to balance things so they don’t feel so threatened, they will attack your every weakness to make you feel disleveled. All in all, being in a relationship with a cov narc is an experience that will shake your beleifs and threaten your identity. You will either overcome it and become a wiser, stronger and more experienced person or be sucked by it and slowly mirror your pet narc to the point the resemblance will be so strong you will lose your sense of self and identity. Get professional help in any case, narcs are a like a disease that needs to be handled by professionals, you cannot heal by yourself just staying in bed and drinking hot tea. In any case, be glad it has a cure, you can get on with your life and receive all the help you need, because stats say most of narcissists are helpless and beyond improvement.